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| Image Credit: www.break.com |
When you aren't worried is probably when you should be most worried.
Some may think covering stems from low self-esteem and not wanting to bother others with our burden. I guess that could be part of it but in my experience, it's mostly that I don't want to talk about it. When the black hole is taking over my existence, I cover because it's personal. It's mine. And I don't want to talk about it. You can't do anything, there's nothing you can say to fix me so what's the point? If all your rationalizing could actually make a difference, then wouldn't all my rational thoughts have already won? I do still have rational thoughts. I know what makes sense logically. I know life isn't bad. I know all the wonderful people and things I have. I know there are much bigger struggles in the world. I know.
But I can't feel it. I can only feel the force that is like a living, breathing beast that is taking up residence inside. There's nothing you can say or that I can think to control it.
People give all this wonderful advice on how to help someone with depression...what to watch for...dos & don'ts.... Unfortunately it's all kind of pointless because it's pretty impossible to help if you don't understand and it's pretty impossible to understand unless you've been there. Even those of us who always have the beast lurking in the shadows don't have the right thing to say or the magic answer. The only advantage is that we can relate to the feeling of helplessness, but we all process it differently.
I absolutely hate trying to go to a doctor about depression. I seem fine, perfectly normal. What do I have to be depressed about? They never understand and the "let's try this pill on for size" treatment sucks. I'd rather just fight on my own than continue endless rounds trying out the drug du jour. It's a constant battle; I want to fully live my life, not just this uninvested half-life, but I don't want to take a pill every day to feel normal or go to therapy and talk about my stupid feelings. Luckily for me, my loved ones watch for changes. Even if they don't know exactly what's up, they know when something is different and call me on it. This helps rational and logical me keep the beast in check and I grudgingly go get medicated. Since the real me does actually want to stick around this crazy life for a while, sometimes I have to just suck it up and accept help.
If the beast inside a depressed person fully takes over and suicide is honestly the goal, it is highly unlikely anyone will know. That's the point. The person suffering can truly only see one resolution to make it all stop, and he will not want anyone to keep him from peace. There probably won't be any signs. If there are, they will be so minuscule that you really can't blame yourself for missing them. A half-assed suicide attempt is actually kind of a good thing. The attempter knows the darkness is taking over but doesn't want to give in. When there are obvious signs that means he really wants help but doesn't know how to ask. This is where doctors, meds, and therapy can revive someone's ability to fight.
It's very sad that Robin Williams couldn't see any other way out, but I get it. It's an unfortunate reminder that we don't know what internal battles people are facing.
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| Image Credit: ipost.christianpost.com |
Depression isn't a state of mind, it's a state of being. But it doesn't always win.
XOXO
~M
